SOME FAVORITE RECIPES

GORGE TURKEY SANDWICH

The key to this recipe includes starvation
Make sure you won't eat for about as long as you can
Then double it
You are allowed liquids
Copious amounts of liquids
Stay in the sun
Listen to music for three hours
Return to car (after some time trying to find it...time varies)
Recover warm sourdough that has been sitting under a sunlit window (doesn't matter which window)
Extract turkey meat, Havarti cheese and Mayonnaise from cooler full of ice
Assemble sandwich
Use extra mayo
Enjoy with preferred beverage

DUNGENESS CRAB

Buy a crabbing license at your local bait and tackle shop
Take your row boat out about five hundred yards
Maybe more it's a little tricky where that deep shelf is
Put your pot in the water with a turkey leg you purchased at QFC
Let the pot settle for 2 or 3 hours
No more than that
Poachers
Pull up pot returning females and those under 6 inches
Row back to shore
Viciously destroy crab with implement of your choice
A hatchet works very well but can be done with a large rock
Crack in half and remove lungs and guts
(I think it's nice to feed them to the gulls but that's up to you)
Boil in a pot with Bay Seasoning for 15 minutes
Serve with butter and a lemon slice

LOBSTER

Go to Maine
Find Lobsterman Way near Popham Beach
Enter Lobster Shack
(It's rude to giggle when they speak. Try not to do that)
Buy Lobsters!
Go back to your cabin and get the pot boiling
MAKE SURE IT'S BOILING
NO MATTER HOW HUNGRY YOU ARE
MAKE SURE IT'S REALLY REALLY BOILING
Throw them in
If they are still moving they are NOT cooked
Serve with butter and a lemon slice


ITALIAN STYLE MEATBALLS AND MOZZARELLA HOT POCKET

Once again the key to this meal starts with hunger
This meal works best  late at night
The recipe calls to microwave for 2 minutes
Generally 1:49 is best

MAINE

We were in a forest in Maine
It was so beautiful
Lush and green
Thought we might do some bird watching before getting
to Popham Beach
Drove 8 or 9 hours to get there
The air smelled so fresh
We exit the car and head into the woods looking for birds
I see a cloud coming through the trees
"What's that?" I ask pointing
The cloud grows
"Run," says Randy
We bolt back to the car as a swarm of mosquitoes envelope the vehicle
Never seen anything like it
Popham beach was really lovely though
Just
Stay out of them woods

8th GRADE DANCE

It was the 8th grade dance
End of the year
Next year we were headed to Lynnwood High
To be freshman
But THIS was the 8th grade dance
Let me spin it back for you
1982
I have my date
She's pretty
She's nice
She's smart
Michelle
The corsage moment is totally awkward

But the dance is fun
There's this one moment when I try the knee slide on the dance floor
You know the knee slide move
Well, turns out that doesn't work well with polyester slacks
Burnt my knees
Left two holes in my fancy dance pants
But still
I'm feeling good
Confident
It's time to make my move
and ask Michelle to "Go with me."
Yeah, "Go with me."
That's how you asked a girl to be your girlfriend back in the day
"Will you go with me?"
I don't know why
I didn't make up the rules
She said, "yes"
I was elated
Then she excused herself to the restroom
I had a girlfriend!
who was
pretty
and
nice
and smart
Then she came out of the bathroom and broke up with me
Shortest relationship ever

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

We were playing THE PRODUCERS
Actually, it was more like The St. James crew
They were the best team in the league
Broadway Show League
There was a Dad and his two sons
A bunch of crew guys
and Cady Huffman
They could play
They could really play
We were a new team
1st year in the league
But we were alright
I managed
which was both a joy
and
not a joy
Our team was mostly composed of performers
so
egos
But we were good
Made it to the championship game
VS  The returning champs
It was hot and humid
New York City summer kind of hot
I didn't like THE PRODUCERS
It wasn't rational I just didn't
They played fair
They were good
still
I didn't like them
Late in the game
It's tight
It's HOT
Like bend over and pour water on your head kind of hot

Pictured: Matt Allen

I get up to bat
Get a hold of one
and it's on
There were no fences in the Broadway Show League
If those guys had arms and wheels they could throw you out
They had both
I ran
Coming around third my leg buckles
I tear something in my knee
but score and we take the lead
Ultimately, we lose the game
Still though
One of the greatest moments of my life
By the way
Didn't miss a show
But
Walked funny for about 6 months

BOSTON

It was cool and dark underneath
I had to duck to get out of the dugout and onto the field
The doorway was small
Well, there wasn't a door
Just a rectangle
with light streaming in
It was kind of like emerging from a cave
To Fenway
I'd been asked to sing The National Anthem
Honored and thrilled
I said, "Yes"
The PR staff were amazing
When I told them my nephew was a Red Sox fan
They hooked me up with all sorts of swag
In rehearsal the sound guy asked me,
"Do you want to pre-record and lip sync?"
"What? No!"
"Most do. There is a significant delay from the speakers in the outfield."
"I want to sing it live."
"Okay, well I suggest you keep time by tapping your foot or something and try not to listen to the speakers. Just sing."
Now I'm a little bit scared
Then I get a lot of bit scared
It's the National Anthem
In Boston
I've sung it many many times among the crowd
To sing it in front of a crowd not a part of the crowd is a little bit different
For me it all comes down to two words
Fight
and
Night
They are interchangeable
Either way the story still works
But you better get it right in Boston
I am patriotic
although I loathe The Patriots
There is no teleprompter
I'm facing away from the words on the screen
and sing
The delay is very difficult
I get the words correct
The pace is a little slow
But I get through it
Sound alright
The experience is incredible
But kind of like skydiving
Once is enough