WHY

When you ask why?
I understand your confusion
From the start I've been laughed at, mocked
My new school
OAK HEIGHTS ELEMENTARY
The talent show
Singing "Can't Smile Without You."
By Barry Manilow
I practiced A capella
But performed accompanied
In a key I could not sing
In front of all my peers
Eleven years old
I run off the stage
Crying, refusing to return to class

But only one year later
Under harsh florescent lights
of the Alderwood Mall
There, I Amahl
hobble on the small carpeted stage
A crippled shepherd boy
My soccer team (The Vikings) in front on fold-able brown metal chairs
make faces while I sing and clump along

And these
just the seeds of my desire
Not yet firmly rooted

On stage I have
Slipped, tripped and fallen several times
Bit lip, cheek tongue
stubbed toes
Let go a monstrous fart in Timmy Howar's face
Banged knees
drawn blood
and even got a splinter in my butt
Been spat on
Slapped, pushed, punched and kicked
Once dropped by a vicious testicle jab
from aforementioned Mr. Howar

I have
lost my voice too many times to count
Forgotten, flubbed and butchered books of lines
Cracked, Splatted, Skwonked and Screeched
a score of notes
Inhaled the dust motes, mold the grit and grime
from house to house to house
Sang in perfume and lingerie departments
Sang outside in snow and rain
for breakfasts, lunches, dinners
where no one listens but jabbers and shoves
food down their gullets
while we a mere quartet sing HANDEL'S MESSIAH
at the top of our lungs

Once, swear to God
Hired as Christmas Carolers
for a Jewish party
"Do not mention Christmas or Christ,"
She said leading us into the elegant room of strangers
So, "Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel I made it out of clay!"
Then,
"Light the Menora Day by Day"
and then... and then...
Ah!
"City Sidewalks, busy sidewalks dressed in Holiday style
in the air there's a feeling of..."
Shit!
No!
So, "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel" for the next two hours
Till a lovely woman approaches
"Would you sing 'Silent Night?' I love that song"
Saved!

I have
Performed with kids, puppets and dogs
and seen two of the three piss on stage

One summer mobbed attempting to hand out fliers
at the Seattle Center on kid's day dressed as Tigger
"Let go Tigger's tail"
"T.I. double grrrr let go Tigger!"
"Please little boy let go of Tigger's tail."
"LET TIGGER'S FUCKING TAIL GO NOW!!!"

I have been too fat, too young, too old, too fit, too tall and too short

And these my favorite quotes
"In all his songs he left you wanting more.
He never seemed to bring the songs to their full emotional level."
Dwight Jenson, Phoenix

And this,
"all the charisma of a resentful detention study hall proctor."
Joe Adcock-Seattle PI

and my personal favorite
"Greg Stone plays a cypher-like Chris"
What's that mean?
Flip through Webster
Cypher- Zero
            - a person of no influence
            - a non entity
Nice!

I have missed
birthdays, weddings, anniversaries
my nephews baseball games, niece's school play
and almost every holiday

And coming home one year
The look on my wife's face
Hollow, sad and lost
I needn't open the manila envelope
stamped Clarke, Dinsdale LLP to know

So why?
Why go through the pain, loss, torture and fear?
So many different fears
The ridicule
backstabbing
brain cramming

Why drink gallons of Throat Coat tea
buckets of hot honey lemon water
and suck handfuls of Ricolas and Fisherman's Friends?

No more, chocolate, orange juice, mild and cheese
these phlegm factories

Cut back the smoking and the booze and save it all for one binge filled Monday
The Actor's Weekend!

Why spend my time on buses and planes
in cars that take me to my home
a Day's Inn Petri Dish in
Peoria, Muncie, Ft. Wayne and Saginaw?

Why?
WHY?

Why stand before the shadowy dark
clump of humanity and sing to the red and green exit signs?
The only points of reference in the dark chasm of audience land
and regurgitate memories of pain
only to have cell phones, cellophane wrapped candies,
sneezes, snorts, coughs and even snores ruin the moment

Why?
why?

To walk the cobblestones of Montreuil-sur-Mer
past nobble-men and whores
to taste the briny air
of change and revolution

Adorn a broad billed cowboy hat
with polished six gun on your hip
and sing the sunrise of an Oklahoma morn

To know the eyes of Judas
lost confused and frightened
yet filled with love
A love that will so soon betray

To dance and move with practiced precision
where all the world will join along
with kicks and leaps and joyful laughs and shouts

To be an awesome ass kicking fighter
Master swordsman
and expert shot

To kiss beautiful, vibrant women and fall in love 8 times a week

To release the pent up angst within and shape it into art

To sing
To sing
TO SING

To be lost in the world of make believe

To make thousands laugh
and thousands cry

To hold a dying girl in your arms
and know that she
and only she's your true love for all time
To see her tears
and feel her fragile breath slip away
like water through fingers

All of these
and more
and more
but mostly just because

It's who I am
It's what I do